Honestly, I just don't know...

Today was our first SFC meeting... but this isn't about that... or at least I'll try not to make it about that.

Honestly,...I've been avoiding writing here...but I've been having the feeling, the reminder I guess? There are so many things that do not satisfy me. There are so many things that leave me wondering. I feel unhappy and unsatisfied with the kids I know...& it goes the same with the adults I know. I'm not saying that I'm perfect, but why does it seem like I'm the only one who notices the up front hypocrisy in our environment? In our society? Kids I guess are excusable. They have the rights to not see the entire situation; when they pick on younger children for being scared of the dark, not seeing that they make louder noise when they're scared, they are excused. The children are expected not to understand that everyone can get scared. No, they do not have the kind of understanding that adults do, but what is the excuse for hypocritical criticism? is that it? the term used? No, it isn't. What I'm trying to say I will describe instead.
I don't have the term for not being able to give way for other's imperfections and mistakes, or misfortunes. Why does everyone have the freedom to judge everyone else without feeling guilty. Am I the only who notices or understands...realizes that excusing people is the best way to avoid troubles? Why am I troubled for their hypocritical problems? Their problems caused by "missing the picture"? I am HELPLESSLY mute. I cannot speak. I cannot express myself.
I am a HYPOCRITE. I am unhappy because i feel guilty, for myself and the rest of the hypocrites in the world. Do you know what number that is? That's billions and billions of people in the world. I don't know where to find peace anymore- for sure not at home. At home, too many sorts of problems come up. Important ones, unimportant ones, old ones, new ones, ones made up out of nowhere, etc. I am tired of it.
What will it take to be happy? Why is there always SOMEONE... SOMETHING, that brings me down? I'm tired. I am.

I guess you can call me spoiled. Out of all the fatal problems in the world, my problem is this. This is what makes me a hypocrite. WOOooWww....

i think i finally expressed a little of myself after a long while.

P.S. THIS IS NOT ABOUT SFC. I have no ill feelings for them.. at least for now. I'm trying to defend it... their idea... or at least MY idea about them.
I know they're imperfect...but my idea is that... they are there to be better people. So I can't judge them... why won't i excuse them? I don't feel uncomfortable yet, why would I be negative about them? I hope I'm not wrong.

I don't know where this essay is even going so... i guess I'll stop here....
all i know is that i have too many unhealed feelings in me that can't seem to go away.

De rien,
Janil.

A move from present to future...

reflecting on today gives me an overall feeling of ease. maybe the comfort is from the music i'm listening to, but i love knowing that i have friends that care and love me. being locked up and isolated in this world that another person, completely distant from myself, made has depressed me long enough. it's time to get back on my feet and take my direction.

i need my ability to write again...to clearly speak out my mind.

to direct my purpose, i am so sorry for forgetting God, & i am quite embarrassed to admit that while he was reaching out his whole self to me, i pulled back in reaction. Well, not anymore.
Thank you Dear God for all your blessings; for all the friends that have not forgotten me and forgave me countless times. You are always there for me :)

i pray for the strength to push away and banish all the negatives in my mind, soul, and surrounding. clear my mind of all things that burden my heart and drains my good spirit.

please always be at our sides to light and guard; to rule and guide. take care of my parents, my little brothers, my older brother, my sister, aaron, tay, ricardo, bryan, sunshine, and all my other friends. lift up our burdens, as it is usually said, and personally comfort us. Amen.

birthday girl?

it's my birthday soon. :)

I pray to God that it's all good. I pray that nothing bad, evil would come that day. I pray for a great time with my friends and my sister. Please, please dear God be with me.