now.. not before.

I notice that I've been thinking about the past for a while now. I don't really want to, but I've been comparing the life I had, to now. I can't help it, I'm listening to music that i was attached to, so long ago. I'm not happy right now. Finally, I'm feeling the loneliness and outcasting that I have always been placing myself in as part of a group.

I don't know if I like it or not. I love the uniqueness that I have drowned myself in, but I am now the loneliest than i have ever been. i literally am a loner. there is no one to turn to, or console my feelings to. for the very first time, my family is not in the picture, nor friends --including boyfriend.

I usually had at least one of those. But now, I am completely deserted. Bare with me if my blog is too emotional, but I don't know how else to say it. I lack vocabulary. I am not happy. I wish there was somebody to turn to. I am lonely. I can't turn to anybody because i personally pushed them away, all of them. I have this attitude, this pride, that had caused me this misery.

I don't want to admit my need to be loved and appreciated. I am a mess. I am dirty. I am screwed up, and the worst part about all this is,... i don't even have an addiction. I am just vainly stubborn and prideful. I hate everyone around me, i think they are all idiots. nothing can ever go my way, because once they do, it wouldn't be the way i want it. I am tiredly fickle. ahh! when will it end?

I'm single. I need to get myself together. I am friendless. I need to get out.

everyone thinks that they know me. i hate it when they do that. what the fuck would they know about me? they don't spend an inch of time with me.

it's fine. i don't care. as long as they leave me alone. i hate their know-it-all personality.

i hear strumming.. strumming.. drums beating... beating...

:) and i am ok..

Books and intellegent phrases.

Before typing this blog, I was admiring other people's achievements and courage. Then, after long admiration, I once again was lost in this trance of asking who I am.

Who did I think I was in the first place; it's a question that's been asked since I could remember, and never been answered.

I sure would like to know now, since I am going to be writing a paper about it. I'm good at writing about other people, but when it comes to the issue of me, I am left in the dark- speechless.

TURN THE LIGHTS OFF

Hello! I feel wacky! Thousands of things to get done. Oh I love blogging!! hahah!

I am so myself right now.. I feel like me..

To get started... another list.

• English 101 Essay (4pages)
• Anatomy
  
• Cultural Speech
• MATH 130...

Wow... I need to start.. I have nothing to say though. I sound like a dumb ass.

Then another list, a more personal list

• Lose weight, must be 120 at the most
• Be more friendly and social? haha
• Reconnect with friends. Must contact best friend Ricardo Marin.
• Be closer to God
  

OK. Miguel Jontel is goood.. sheesh!

a new school year

ayy yay yayyy!

and how do I start this again? I am completely thoughtless. Or a better way of putting it is, mute.
yup! yes! mute! I have nothing to say.

trouble, trouble, trouble.

This semester, I have to face college math at 7 am. Then, the nightmare of all nightmares -or at least what they've drawn me to think- Anatomy. woow.. I know. I wonder if it's really as difficult as they claim it to be.

All I know is, right now nothing seems to affect me. What do I do?

In fact, I have a lecture exam on Wednesday! It's so close, I need to study.

After the lecture, I have the lab. I need help! But nobody seems to feel comfortable working with me. But I need help. I need it now! PLEASE dear Lord God, I need your help.

For Tuesday, I used to get up for my fitness swimming class. I dropped it, just a few minutes ago. It was hard. Too difficult for me to pass. I wish it isn't. It was a challenge! ahaha.. But I was not ready. A challenge I could not take.

So now, I could actually attend an S.I. session...(for my anatomy class).

If I refuse to go, I attend an English 101 class. This one, this is hard as well.

& after that, I have a speech class. Another class I dread. Things will get better.

For now, I have to go. This blog did not turn out as I intended it to.

Gay Marriage

last night a friend asked, "are you really against gay marriage"?

How do I answer this? It's not an easy subject to talk about including if you are associated with people of both sides.

What can I say? I'm religious. Yes, i am a hypocrite but what can I do? I'm sorry. It's an opinion, a belief right? So, I don't believe in gay marriage. I'm sorry. It does sound harsh.

But it sounds worse to go against God, and then throw it at his face. It's completely disrespectful. I believe that God does not approve of gay marriage.


It's not hazardous to others, so I'm not completely against it. I'm against it because I know that when I have kids, I wouldn't be fine with it.

I'm not against gays. God isn't either. He doesn't judge, but he does have rules. Rules are never easy to live with, it's just up to you to follow them.

I won't hate a gay married couple. I won't talk shit to them or go against them. They feel one way, while I another.

But I do know that when I have kids and if any of them turn out gay, I wouldn't mind. I'll support them but I'll also explain my feelings about it. I'll tell them that God only wants the best for us so he set rules for us, to keep us safe.

These are tests that he put us against. When we leave this world, our sexual orientation won't matter. But for now, it does.

I'll say, "you don't have to be straight to be happy or to be a good person. But you should know that God expects you to follow Him and put other before yourself.

You're not going to be alone, you'll always have me and your family. We would never leave you or kick you out, but please respect how God feels".

If they still wan tot get married with their partner, I'll still accept them.

I would never hate.

It's religion first, it's my tradition as a catholic.

I don't believe in unequal treatment, gays have all their rights to a marriage. But how would they ever get married under catholic church? I suppose they don't have to be catholic, but my children will be.

One more month to go.

make it a habit

song of the day: WONDERFUL-everclear.

MY relationship with Aaron need improvement. Maybe we need to forgive more. :) Yea, that's it. But who would start? I need to start driving in the freeway. I haven't done laundry.. I sould keep up with homework. I can't slow down again.

Improve my life by:

• doing more chores.
• control my eating
• make everything right
• keep up with school work
• put friends aside, they would understand.
• don't regret so much, just learn.
  

my world today

Last yr. -on 10/18/07, my goals were settled on taking the first steps to adulthood.
I'm pretty proud of myself for getting there. Since then, I got my license and got in the Honor's program. "/ well... not all went according to plan. I haven't found a job, I'm pretty broke right now, and -relationship wise, things are pretty bad.

Of course this isn't just about Aaron. I'm talking about any relationship I have, like: friendship, my bond with my family, etcetera! I have major attitude problem that I definitely need to work on. I'm writing about this to help me alleviate the situation. I don't always want to be the grumpy one. That's just sad. :(

You know, sometimes I think that blogging is magic. But of course, there's a scientific way of looking at it, (KILLERS)! I'm sorry, I'm blabbering again and you don't know what I'm talking about. What I'm saying is, anything that i write on here.....eventually has a reply. Not literary, but if I were to mention one thing, it would somehow come true. Definitely there's a chance of it being a coincidence, but reality is overrated.
HAHA.. and yeah, sometimes I feel crazy. I'm just talking to myself. sigh*