Please Don't Go

miss- 4 [mis] verb.
to feel sad because of the absence of

If there were only words to describe how I feel. It would probably make you cry.
If there were only ways to explain my actions. You'd still find your right.
But truth is, I can't do any of that. Our relationship was based on facts, not affections.
I had my wrong, I want to make it right, but is there any way now to explain all that?
If our love was strong, as strong as you used to say it is, you'd know we could make it.
It's faith that holds people together.

I really wish you could learn to love me, all of me. Including my flaws that you can't stand so much.
please

Sunday Morning in Palmdale

Not having much to do the whole week, has definitely got me used to living life without chaos. Since school has a practical schedule here, when vacation is over, it's over for all the students; there's no difference between the schools. During that period, weekday mornings are hectic then calms down to mellow afternoons. Since my family is occupied all at the same time, I usually have the whole first floor of our house to myself. Everyday of the week I have time to clean, watch a movie, talk to friends and use the computer. Then, the weekend comes, which isn't much of a difference considering that I just have more people in the house, but with the same activities. Technically, everyday is a "lazy Sunday" for me, unlike in Los Angeles.

Growing up in a busy city, it is inevitable to hear cars, loud ambulances, children playing and shouting in the streets, and disorder in the house. Breathing that lifestyle everyday of your life will definitely tire you, and make you long for a quiet, non hectic day. When the day comes, you feel its serene atmosphere then your desire of one day turns to everyday. It is a practical story -you want a little, then you want more. But as they say, too much of anything is bad. Can it be the same for this situation? I've lived that, and yes, too much calmness can still tire you. It's nice once in a while, but time does come when I want to be overwhelmed with schedule too.

Being an adolescent, I need room to grow, and schedule to follow. In the actuality of mature, but not enough, I tend to feel useless when I have nothing to do. Then when I get the chance to prove my abilities, fear rules over me. Suddenly, thoughts remind me that I used to be capable of this amount of pressure, in L.A.

I sometimes miss the Sunday Mornings in L.A. It's very different from Sunday Mornings in Palmdale.

Rooky All Over Again

Tonight, Aug. 3, 11:17 pm (a Friday),

I decided to create another account, on yet another social website. My main purpose of taking time to make these is to keep myself busy. But usually what I anticipate in these sites are people's messages, to write back to them, to let me, my side, be heard. Technically, I record a part of me to let my feelings out, and not really for company. Sometimes, I just love the pensiveness inside of me, but occasionally I don't hear myself out enough, which leads me to blame and hurt others.

I hate sounding stupid, even more when looking like one. And so, I think a lot, assuring my knowledge and judgment. I am the definition of fickle-minded. There are times when I feel I don't try enough and I don't know anything, then it becomes a pain to know too much or to understand than most people. By that time I give up, thinking no one will notice, even if they did, "they would understand because they love me".

Thinking back, rereading my past work and thoughts, I feel the amount of thoughts I lack. Maybe I don't hear them out enough, my mom, my dad, my friends and other loved ones. It's the pride that holds me back -it keeps me stubborn and aloof. "I care, but I don't care enough", that's what I've noticed with my actions. "People can have their own ideas and beliefs, but as long as their hearts belong to me, it'll always be my way". Scary, isn't it?

So far, my writing has no relation to my title at all.

I thought of "rooky all over again", because I'm back to where the ended chapter begun. I've returned to freshman year, new social life, new responsibilities, and new life goals.

You see, I just finished my senior year of High School. Funny, I never thought I'd end up where I am now. Where am I? I'm in Palmdale, unemployed, barely starting out in life, and going to a jr. college. Yes, there's nothing wrong in all of that, but my goodness gracious! Four years ago, I believed in art and nothing else! There was God, yes, but my life revolved around proving my parents wrong, that i can get somewhere far, probably the farthest, by pursuing my dreams in art. I had one goal, and it was to go to Notre Dame University, (major in Art History). I loved writing, at the time. I also couldn't see myself going anywhere else but a University, not even a CalState.

But something happened.
I was doing so well. There were a couple of bumps in the road, but I stuck it all out. I was living it simple, but always trying. What went wrong? Am I supposed to be mad? Upset? Or am I supposed to just accept it?

Yeah, it was all for the best. But why are so many problems coming up? As undecided as I am, you know my head goes back and forth between optimistic and pessimistic.

I just don't want to care anymore!!

WHY can't I just stop, and leave it alone?

And this is where the beginning is. Learn to prioritize again, to accept the past again, to move on and cherish what's there again. Why do I forget how to do these things? Maybe because people recycle. Reagardless to how many different kinds are out there, the same kinds keep coming back.

sigh* damn.